Last week's docket said Burrow is allowed on the field, and this was the third time that sentence had to be written. tru69man started Joe Burrow (25.0). Then CeeDee Lamb scored 1.9, Cam Skattebo scored 7.4, Dalton Kincaid scored 3.2, the Rams scored 2.0, and Dak Prescott watched from the pine at 12.64. He was 96.1% efficient, which is a polite way to say the bench was also a crime scene. Leftover: 2.9. Best lineup: 74.88. That does not beat 142.06. He lost by 70 to a man who started Carnell Tate for 1.1. The request was honored. The rest of the roster pled guilty. 3–2, 0–9 all-play, lowest score of the week. The loaner car got repossessed. noahflyzone, who was told to start Tate, started Tate, watched him score 1.1, sat Josh Downs (6.2), and still won going away because Jahmyr Gibbs scored 38.7, Brock Bowers scored 20.0, Braelon Allen scored 21.5, and the Broncos scored 20.5. Leftover 5.1. 96.5% efficient. 3–2. The team name is still Diggsing You Downs. Diggs did not need to be here. Gibbs did the talking.
Total points this league left on the bench in Week 5. For once that is less than the high score. Somebody started their guys. Randy did not.
The verdicts
Five matchups. The pine was guilty all week and decisive in none of them.
Last week's docket said do not get cute, because Drake Maye had just scored 26.96 on the pine while Kirk Cousins won a football game. jakebrack started Maye. Maye scored 41.16, the highest starter in the league. Jefferson scored 15.9. Nabers scored 24.6. Cook scored 25.8. Cousins scored 13.72 from the bench, which is the correct side of that argument for once. He started RJ Harvey for 1.0 and sat Blake Corum for 15.2, left 14.2, and still put up 155.36. Back-to-back wins after an 0–3. 2–3. The chandelier is earning its keep. TheRandyJackson was told that Javonte Williams (30.7 last week) was allowed on the field. He started Javonte. Javonte scored 14.4. Then he sat Aaron Jones (20.7), Mike Evans (23.8), and Malik Washington (12.12), and started DK Metcalf for 3.9 and Tee Higgins for 3.2. Isaiah Likely scored 26.9, which is a tight end doing a wide receiver's job because the wide receivers refused. Best lineup: 153.36. That is two points short of 155.36. He did not have a winning roster. He had a speech about one. Leftover 42.72, worst in the league. 1–4. The crown is still on layaway, and the interest is no longer a metaphor.
The namesake finally clocked in. Colston Loveland started, as requested, and scored 2.9. The rest of the roster did not need him. Jaylen Warren scored 40.3. Bucky Irving scored 33.6. Jacoby Brissett scored 25.98. Ja'Marr Chase scored 17.7. The Houston D scored 24. High score of the week, 9–0 all-play, and he still sat George Pickens (24.5) and Jameson Williams (17.7). Leftover 22.72. 88.3% efficient. 2–3. The growth came back. The asterisk stayed on the bench with Pickens. BaileyWade was almost clean. Jayden Daniels scored 34.16. Davante Adams, acquired last week from the prophecy, scored 19.6. Sam LaPorta scored 17.3. Spencer Shrader kicked 23, which is a lovely way to lose by 32. Deebo Samuel, the man this docket has been begging someone to start for three weeks, was traded onto this roster and scored 3.7 on the pine. Omarion Hampton scored 5.8 next to him. Leftover 4.9. 96.6% efficient. Second-best efficiency in the league, and a loss, because Todd hung 170.96. 2–3. Dicker is still in the team name. Shrader is still the one doing the job. The perfect-lineup guy was one swap from perfect and it would not have mattered.
Last week Hopium lost by 0.70 with Rhamondre Stevenson on the pine for 18.2. This week he started Stevenson (17.3). Josh Allen scored 32.5. Puka Nacua scored 30.4. Christian Watson scored 33.3. The Jets scored 26.5, which is not a sentence this league was prepared to read. Harold Fannin scored 0.9. He sat MarShawn Lloyd (17.2) anyway and left 23.2. 169.10, second-best score in the league, 8–1 all-play, 3–2, and still the points leader on the season. The 0.70 loss was not a personality. It was a week. TBrack was told to start George Kittle. He started George Kittle. Kittle scored 4.9. Tyler Warren, the tight end he sat, scored 18.0. Jared Goff, who arrived from the porta-potty in last week's trade, scored 29.04. Derrick Henry scored 23.9. Parker Washington scored 30.84 out of nowhere. Reichard kicked 18 and the Vikings scored 20 and it was still a 25-point loss. Best lineup 160.18, which does not beat 169.10. 2–3. The gods read last week's invoice, sent a quarterback, and billed him again.
The start-Deebo campaign is over because Deebo was traded, scored 3.7 for somebody else's bench, and the prophecy played this one without him. Zmastafarian started the new pieces: Garrett Wilson 20.9, Ollie Gordon 16.6, and then sat the other new piece, Emeka Egbuka, for 14.3. Jonathan Taylor scored 11.2. T.J. Hockenson scored 1.2. Best lineup 123.60. That loses to 126.04 by 2.44. He did not have a winning roster. He had a complaint and a 7.24-point loss. 2–3. 2–7 all-play. 96.1% efficient at losing a close one, which is a new kind of tidy. Vailium started Matthew Stafford for 28.32, Jaxon Smith-Njigba for 21.4, Trey McBride for 17.1, and the Cowboys for 1.5. Terry McLaurin scored 10.2 on the bench instead of zero in the lineup, which is growth. Matthew Golden scored 19.38 in street clothes, and that was the whole leftover, 15.88. 5–0. 3–6 all-play. Undefeated, mid, and now beating teams that also played a real football game. Plot armor did not need a 71-point opponent this time. It won a coin flip and kept the receipt.
Power rankings
All-play is your record if you'd played all nine teams. Efficiency is how much of your best possible lineup you actually started.
- ToddGurleyenthusiast Zachary Loveland
High score. Warren 40.3, Irving 33.6, Houston 24. Loveland finally started and scored 2.9. Pickens sat for 24.5. 2–3. The mascot clocked in. The rest of the building did the work.
- ZukeVol Hopium
Started Stevenson, as instructed. Allen 32.5, Watson 33.3, the Jets 26.5. Fannin 0.9. 3–2 and still the points leader. Last week's 0.70 loss has been answered and then some.
- jakebrack Tucker Right in the Kraft
Started Maye. Maye scored 41.16. Back-to-back wins. Harvey 1.0, Corum 15.2 on the pine. 2–3. The chandelier stays.
- TBrack Gods can suck my McConkey
Started Kittle, as instructed. Kittle scored 4.9. Warren scored 18 on the pine. Goff, newly arrived, scored 29.04 and it was not enough. 2–3. The invoice is a subscription now.
- noahflyzone Diggsing You Downs
Won by 70. Started Tate for 1.1, as instructed, and Gibbs scored 38.7 so the instruction did not matter. 3–2. Clean lineup. Loud running back.
- BaileyWade BeatDickerinLaportapotty
Daniels 34.16. Adams 19.6. Shrader 23. Deebo 3.7 on the new pine. Left 4.9 and lost by 32 to 170.96. 2–3. Efficiency is not a shield.
- Vailium Vailium
5–0. Stafford 28.32, JSN 21.4, Cowboys 1.5, Golden 19.38 benched. Won by 7.24. Plot armor beat a real score this time. That is worse. It means it works on purpose.
- Zmastafarian No MOORE mr RICE guy
Wilson 20.9 and Gordon 16.6 from the new deal. Egbuka 14.3 sat. Best lineup still loses. 2–3. Deebo is somebody else's problem now, and he scored 3.7, so the prophecy may have been early and also wrong.
- TheRandyJackson TLaw CMCrown
Worst leftover in the league, 42.72. Sat Jones, Evans, and Washington. Started Metcalf for 3.9. Best lineup 153.36, two points short of winning. 1–4. Layaway called. They have a number.
- tru69man Panthers on The Lamb
Started Burrow. Lost by 70. Lamb 1.9. Efficient, because there was nothing on the bench either. 3–2 with a 0–9 week. The quarterback was not the problem. The quarterback was the only adult in the room.
The pine report
Solid bar is what you scored. Striped bar is what you left on your bench.
Lost with a winning lineup on the roster
Nobody. First week all year the pine did not have a result it could overturn.
- TheRandyJackson came the closest and still missed. Best lineup 153.36. Lost to 155.36.
- Zmastafarian came up 2.44 short. Best lineup 123.60. Lost to 126.04.
The Juice Awards
Honoring the best, worst, and most legally questionable performances of Week 5.
The Juice
Highest-scoring starter in the league, one week after scoring 26.96 in street clothes while his manager hung 196 without him. They started him. He scored 41. The cute week is over. The chandelier approved.
The glove doesn't fit
Lowest starter in the league, on a roster that scored 169.10. Allen, Nacua, and Watson did the work. Fannin contributed a rumor. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. This tight end does not fit, and the Jets defense outscored him by 25.6.
Bench warrant
Best unused player in the league, on the team that hung the high score. Jameson Williams sat next to him for 17.7. The winning lineup was even better than 170.96, and 170.96 was already rude.
White Bronco
Starting defense. Point and a half. Slowest pursuit of the week, and the only undefeated rode it to 5–0. The Bronco knew the freeway. This defense knew a parking lot with better lighting.
Skipped leg day
Aubrey did 5. Matt Gay did 5. Shrader did 23 and lost. Reichard did 18 and lost. Fairbairn did 18 on a 5–0. Kicking is a skill. It was not the skill that decided any of this.
Buyer's remorse
We told you to start him. You started him. He scored 2.9. The team is still named Zachary Loveland. The mascot got a shift and a participation grade while Warren scored 40.3. The bit clocked in. The bit was not the offense.
Plot armor
3–6 all-play. Cowboys defense scored 1.5. Golden scored 19.38 on the pine. Won by 7.24 over a lineup that was also real. Luck this durable should have to renew the registration. It just did, quietly, which is the rude version.
Tight end, sober version
Top tight end of the week, on a 1–4 team that sat Mike Evans for 23.8. Bowers did 20. LaPorta did 17.3. Kittle did 4.9 while Warren did 18 on the pine. Likely showed up. The rest of the crown did not.
Next on the docket
Week 6 matchups, with the prosecution's opening statement.
- noahflyzone vs ToddGurleyenthusiast
3–2 versus 2–3, and versus the high score. Tate scored 1.1. Do not frame that as a process win. Todd, Pickens was 24.5. Loveland clocked in at 2.9. One of those is a starter. You already know which.
- tru69man vs TheRandyJackson
3–2 versus 1–4. Burrow was not the problem. Lamb was 1.9. Randy, Evans was 23.8 and Jones was 20.7. You started the lecture and sat the evidence.
- jakebrack vs BaileyWade
2–3 versus 2–3. Maye just scored 41.16. Leave him in. Bailey, Shrader kicked 23 and Daniels scored 34 and you still lost. Corum was 15.2. Harvey was 1.0. The chandelier has a guest.
- TBrack vs Zmastafarian
2–3 versus 2–3. Warren the tight end scored 18. Kittle scored 4.9. You had the right name and started the other one. Zmast, Egbuka was 14.3. You lost by 7 to a defense that scored 1.5.
- Vailium vs ZukeVol
5–0 versus the points leader, 3–2. Golden was 19.38. The Cowboys scored 1.5. ZukeVol, Fannin was 0.9 and the Jets scored 26.5, which we are still processing. Plot armor meets Hopium. One of these lucks is due in court.